Nothing could stop me from writing another blog about my favorite day of the year. So here it is.
Tonight I was wrapping my presents that I will be giving to my family members. I started to think about how I couldn't wait for my family to open up the gifts I had picked out specifically for each of them. I have a feeling that each person will have a smile on their face after they open up my gift to them. I started to think about how it is better to give than to receive. I thought about how happy giving these gifts to the ones I loved made me, and a thought popped in to my head. "I should do this more often."
This thought got me thinking more and more. Because you know, that's what I do, I think. I started to think about the concept of giving gifts. When you give somebody a gift, you are giving them something they don't deserve because you love them and care about them. Perhaps it's something that has become routine and is expected. But I think for most people, when they actually give somebody a gift, they feel good about it, it's coming from the goodness of their heart, and they're giving something that isn't deserved. Hold that thought.
Last night I rewatched a film called The Ride, which was made by my church (Vertical Church Films). The film is a Christmas parable which tells the story of a man that works as a cab driver, and has to work on Christmas Eve. It is clear that he is not happy to have to work and miss his church's Christmas Eve service, as well as a Christmas Eve dinner with his family. He's dealing with obnoxious customers, and he is struggling to have patience. His last customer comes in to the cab, and the cab driver can tell that he's up to something. After the driver talks to him a bit, we get an idea that the man is depressed and wants to end his life. The cab driver then tries to do everything he can to keep the man from jumping off a bridge, the location he wants to be dropped off at.
In summary, the man shares that he has done some terrible things that he feels his family could never forgive him for, including going to rehab and getting a woman pregnant. The cab driver talks about his love for his kids and how no matter what they have done, or where they have been, he will always love them and forgive them. He convinces the man to go to his home and talk to his dad, and apologize. Admit that he's messed up and that he's sorry, and ask for help. The man calls his parents and leaves a message on their machine saying, "I know it's been a while since we've talked, but I would like to talk. So if I'm welcome to come, leave the light on on the front porch and I'll come in." Over the next few minutes, we wait to see if the light will be on. When they pull up to the house, every light is on in the house, and lamps and lights are on outside the house.
In this film, the father represents our Father in Heaven. No matter what you have done, or where you have been, God's light is always on. I discovered this personally my junior year of high school.
Growing up, I had always been raised in a church. I went to a Christian school for nine years (K-8). I did AWANA and Vacation Bible School, programs that help teach kids the gospel. I knew everything, and when I was five, I "prayed the prayer" or whatever you want to call it. But for a long time, that meant nothing to me. In junior high, I felt like I had a heart for God. I went on missions trips and did stuff with my church youth group that made me have times where I felt like I was really close to God in that moment. I wanted to know God better and be closer to him, but I didn't want to make him my number one. There was sin in my life that I didn't want to let go of.
I called myself a Christian, but really I was only on God's team when it benefited me. I thought if I could be good enough, or be better than others, I could get in to Heaven. I thought what made me good enough was that I didn't swear, smoke, drink, or have sex and that I thought I was nice. I thought I was a "good" kid. What I didn't know then was that God doesn't have a grading curve. You're either with him, or against him.
On the outside, I might have looked like any other "Jesus freak" or "Bible thumper". But on the inside, I was spiritually homeless. I was religious. I thought that if I prayed a prayer, I did certain stuff, and abstained from other stuff, I was good enough. But I was never good enough. God didn't occupy any part of my heart. There was a part of me that wanted to know him more and know him better, but I didn't want to give up other parts of my life. I wanted to still be able to do life my way.
This is something that stayed with me in high school. It maybe even became a bigger deal to me then. In high school I was trying to find my place and see where I belonged. I didn't know who I was. Junior year, I was having an identity crisis. I wanted to find that one thing that made me Jack Vita. What was special about me? How could I stick out? And what is going to give my life a meaning or a purpose?
I was trying to satisfy myself on my own. I wanted to find that one thing that would fill me up, and never let me down. I thought that if I had the best grades or the best group of friends, or whatever, that that would satisfy me. My entire junior year, I had depression. And when those things I invested so much in failed me, it only left me all the more depressed.
In addition, I was struggling big time in school. There is a lot of pressure on you to perform and get good grades your junior year, as colleges look at your grades from that year mainly. And I was failing all my classes. My depression was keeping me from going to school, so I was falling behind even more.
I was then put in a program called "Bridges" where students who were behind would go to to complete work that was late. I had to go there during all my free periods, including my lunch period, and I had to still go to all my classes. Then when I got home, I had to do my newly assigned homework. I also had a lot of end-of-the-year projects and finals to work on and study for. I was so far behind and doing so poorly that teachers thought I might not pass my classes and that I might have to take an extra semester of high school after all my friends graduated. So I had a lot to makeup. This was all in one word, exhausting.
I started to get to a place that I never thought I would get to. I was suicidal. I spent much thought trying to find a way for me to end my life. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to be alive. But I knew there was a part of me that wanted to keep living. I had tried all of these worldly things, and they never satisfied me. They only crushed me.
One night I remember looking up songs to find lyrics that described the way I felt. The first song I stumbled upon was called The Last Night by a Christian band named Skillet. Take a listen.
I immediately related to this song. I remember listening to that on repeat about 30 times. It was the only song I listened to for the rest of the night. I remember lying in bed at 2 A.M., sobbing. I remember crying out to God out of desperation saying something along the lines of, "God, I need help. There's got to be more to life than this. I've created such a huge mess right now that I don't think I can ever get out of. I have no idea if this will work, but I'm desperate and at this point I'll try anything. Just save my life and keep me from dying. I'm too young to die. Fill me with peace and love, and fill me with your presence. I've heard stories about you fixing people's lives, and right now I'm asking you to fix mine. Carry me and help me pass these classes. Do whatever you want with me, but at this point, I surrender everything to you, and I am putting you in full control of my life."
The next day I remember waking up and never feeling more at peace with everything before. I could feel God's presence in me. He was holding on to me and he wasn't going to let me go. I was his. He carried me through the next few weeks, giving me the strength to finish strong and miraculously pass all my classes. Best of all, I could feel God's presence in me. It gave me unspeakable joy, that will never go away. Joy that fulfilled me and set me free from all the sin I was enslaved to. Suddenly the things I so tightly held on to that I didn't want to give up, didn't appeal to me anymore. The only thing that mattered was loving God and serving him and growing closer to him and becoming more and more like him day by day. What I thought was the end of my life, was truly just the beginning. God changed me, and he lives in me now. And no one and nothing can ever take that away from me. I realized the purpose of my life wasn't to bring glory to myself. It was to bring God glory and let him take care of all the things that burdened and troubled me. And since then he has completely changed my life. Almost three years later and God is doing things in my life that I never imagined he could do.
So that's my story.
Now I know I've digressed a bit. So what does this all have to do with Christmas? Everything. Because when God sent his son to earth to die (he literally died for us!) on the cross for our sins, and offer up the free gift of salvation, he did it out of love. It's because he loved you and me. "We love because He first loved us," (1 John 4:19). That's why we give gifts to others on his birthday. God gave us the ultimate gift of salvation. That's the greatest Christmas present there is.
I know you've all heard the Christmas story before. In fact, it's become a cliche to say the phrase "the true meaning of Christmas...". But the true theme of Christmas is forgiveness, love and grace. Christmas is a personal day. It's not just a celebration of the birth of our Savior, but a celebration of what he has done in each of our lives. So today, I ask you, what is your story? How has God changed you? Or maybe he hasn't yet. Maybe you don't have a story. Remember that it's never too late and God is doing amazing things every single day. If you read this, I would love to have a conversation with you to hear your thoughts and hear where you're at.
"We hope that this new year fills your heart with love, your life with hope, and our world with peace. Thank you very much."
-Relient K
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
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