And since there is nothing going on right now, it is a perfect time for me to try to get myself back in to blog-writing shape. So here we are. And I couldn't think of a better blog to write my first time back than to reflect on the past year of my life. Look at my experiences I have had over the past year, being away at college for the first time, and how that has molded me, grown me, and matured me. Just a warning, this is going to be a longer-than-normal blog. There's a lot to talk about here, and there is no need to glaze over some important parts of the year! So grab your favorite beverage, sit back, and enjoy. And without any further ado, here is a month-by-month breakdown of what went through my head since last September.
A New Beginning (September)
I arrive at Carthage College on September 1. I cry when I say goodbye to my parents (I'm a big softy) and that seems to be the theme my first month at school. In my first few days, I felt like I experienced some social rejection. I put myself out there to try to meet people, and it didn't feel like people wanted to be my friend. This was new to me. I don't want to say that I always excel socially, but friendships and relationships have always tended to be one of my stronger suits. Actually, what made it the hardest for me to leave high school and to start college was the fact that my senior year was so great socially. My senior year at New Trier High School was the best year of my life, and in that year, I made an abundance of friends. It was really hard for me to leave that and move on. Some of the best and closest friends that I have now are people I didn't get to know until my senior year. Ultimately, my friends from home were crucial to me at this time. I needed their support to help me keep going, and at many times I wanted to quit and give up, but I knew that wasn't what God wanted for me, and when I was at my low moments, I had my friends there for me to help me. They talked sense in to me and encouraged me to keep going. I struggled with a lot of homesickness, missing both my friends and my family. I spent many nights alone by myself in my room and at this time, I really grew a ton spiritually. I started to carry my Bible around with me in my backpack so that I could read it whenever I wanted or needed to do during the day. I had to rely on God to get me through every day. This proved to be a spiritual feast for me and while things were difficult on the outside, I was feeling so much joy on the inside.
Rock Bottom (ROctober)
My first month of school finally was over. I was one month closer to seeing all my buddies at Thanksgiving and Christmas break. I had been making some friends, and there were a few people at school that I felt like I could rely on. One of the toughest things when you start college is that you want to have those close friendships that you have built up with your friends over years together. You want to have inside jokes. But it takes a little bit for those bonds to build up. I had a few people who were beginning to be like that for me. This was important, because it was around this point where I started to hit a wall. My homesickness was building up and getting worse. Around this time, I had begun writing for the Carthage school newspaper, as a blogger. I won't go in to detail, but after a few weeks I was let go from writing for the paper. This absolutely crushed me and devastated me. My dream is to be a writer, and when I got fired, I started to think that I wasn't good enough. I started to think that I would never be good enough. It seemed like every time I would start having something go my way, something bad would hit me. And this crushed me. Throughout these first two months, I had a lot of times where things got hard, and I tried to use them as an excuse for why I wasn't doing well academically. When things got hard, instead of being persistent, I just hid. And when I got fired, I started to just give up. At this point, I was over Carthage. I was done.
The other significant thing that happened in October was when I came home for my high school's homecoming weekend. I came home six weeks after coming to school. It was my first time returning after leaving, and it was something very special. I had a blast seeing my old friends, and seeing my family. But when it was time to go back to school, I was feeling down in the dumps. I didn't want to leave. I just missed the days when my friends and I were all in the same place, doing life together. Change has always been something that is very hard for me.
In October, I hit a breaking point. And I didn't think I could keep going. But like I said earlier, the love and support I had from my friends, as well as my faith pushed me to keep going, even when I thought I couldn't.
A New Hope (November)
I apologize that this title has the same name as a Star Wars film, but it's the best name I could come up with. In November, I started to feel like I finally had found my niche. I felt like I finally had my group; my boys. November is also the month where one of my craziest and most fun days took place in. Three of my buddies and I took a day trip to Devil's Lake, Wisconsin for a day of fun, hiking, and exploring. On our way back, our car broke down in Madison and we were stranded in Madison for five hours until one of our friends was able to pick us up and take us back to school. This day was a fun adventure. Around this time, I started to get grade reports and realize where my grades were at. I was getting all D's. I was starting to feel very guilty. My parents had paid all this money for me to go and get an education, and I was barely putting in any effort to succeed. My attitude started to change. I started to put in the work. I started to have fun, and enjoy myself a bit at school.
When I went home for Thanksgiving break, I decided to talk to a post-high school counselor about transferring to a new school. We made a list of about fifteen schools or so for me to research. I had a blast on Thanksgiving break, but once again when I came back to school I was feeling blue.
Disappointment (December)
Over the last month of the semester, I started to change as a student. I started to commit myself to the work. When it came to improving grades, however, it was too little, too late. In my communications class, I was able to pull my grade up from a D to a B-. But in my other two classes, I still finished with D's. I was so disappointed in myself. The reason why I didn't succeed wasn't because I tried and failed. It's because for the first two months, I didn't try.
The Up and Up (January, J-Term)
Going back to school in January, I had so much running through my head. Carthage was really the last place I wanted to be. I couldn't wait for summer. And all I wanted to do was transfer to a bigger, D1 school. I had had another great break when I was at home. I saw many friends that I hadn't seen since high school. The toughest thing that I have been trying to overcome this year is living in my past. When I went back to Carthage, I knew that this could potentially be my last semester at the school. So I decided that this time around, I was going to make the most of it and to go out with a bang. Also, I wanted this semester to be different. I want to thrive, not just survive. My first two weeks of J-term, I was once again at a very low time. Something that had me low was the fact that I had to go back to school early before a lot of my friends. I just wanted to be back home and I was angry that I had to be at school. But towards the end of J-term, my Carthage friends and I started doing something that got me "in to" Carthage. My friends and I started painting our chests and doing chants at the school basketball games. I had a blast doing "paint crew" and I started to have a little bit of school spirit.
During J-Term, I felt very motivated. I was retaking a class, in hopes of bringing up my grade so that I could transfer in the fall. I got an A- in the class, which was my first A since sophomore year of high school. Suddenly, things were starting to look up for me. Things were starting to go my way. I was actually really excited to start the new semester.
Exclusion, Illness, and a Heavy Workload (February-Mid March)
The first couple weeks of the new semester were going well. I was having fun doing paint crew, making trips to McDonald's at midnight and one in the morning with my buddy Dustin, and working hard and doing well in my classes. I even was starting to write more on this blog. I wrote a blog taking a look back at the past year and at the end of it, I said something along the lines of, "I've had to overcome a lot of adversity in 2013, but it helped me grow immensely. I would love for 2014 to be the most fun year ever, but if it means having to go through new trials and let God help me grow in them, then I'm cool with that, because I know it will be worth it."
The next day after I wrote this, I got word that I did not get a bid in to the fraternity that all my best friends were in. I was crushed. The first semester, I felt really left out when my friends would go to mixers and formals. I just felt on the outs and I was bummed that I couldn't go with them. But I had a handful of friends who also were not in the fraternity. Well, all those friends received bids to join the frat in this semester, but I did not. This was the only frat I tried to join. It also felt worse this time because I was specifically left out. The frat didn't want me. Not long after getting denied, I looked to a verse:
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people?If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
-Galatians 1:10
This really comforted me. It helped me realize that my job isn't to impress people, and all that matters is what God thinks of me. But still, it hurt. And I started to hold a lot of anger towards the frat. Anger, that quite honestly, I still haven't fully gotten over.
This was something that started to take my focus off of school. What might have been even worse was the fact that I started to get sick a lot. I would get sick, and then two weeks later, I would get sick again. I missed way more class than I had intended to miss. But still, I knew that these weren't valid excuses. I couldn't retreat to my old ways of dealing with adversity. I needed to give it my dang all.
In this time, I also started applying to transfer to other schools. I did five applications to schools, and wrote several essays, in hopes of finding a school where I can study journalism. Looking back on it, it was a blessing that I wasn't pledging a frat this semester. Because I was so busy with college applications and school. If I was pledging, my grades would have probably suffered.
I also should add that I am glad that I didn't join the frat because over the course of the rest of the semester, I got to make friends with so many people that weren't in the frat. I built up better friendships with people I didn't know quite as well so that I wouldn't feel left out when there were mixers and formals that my friends were at. I made a ton of great friends and got to know a lot of people that I otherwise probably wouldn't have gotten to know
Welcome to the Jungle (Spring Break in Panama City Beach)
After completing the first half of my second semester, I embarked on a journey with two of my good friends from Intervarsity. For those that don't know, Intervarsity is an interdenominational Christian fellowship group that is found on many college campuses. On our missions trip, we drove 17 hours down in to the craziest spring break party location, Panama City Beach to do street evangelism on the beach. This was truly an amazing experience. While there were only three of us from Carthage on the trip, we worked with a group of about 40 University of Illinois students. Now what really touched while I was on this trip, was how loving and kind the U of I students I was with were. It was so cool how we became close to one another so fast on the trip and how some people became like family to me while I was down there. And what I learned was how strong the body of Christ is. It truly is a body; a family. The bonds I have with fellow believers are stronger than any kind of bonds of brotherhood that a fraternity could offer me. Around this time I realized that I was satisfied with not being in a frat, because I had so many other great things around me that I needed to just appreciate. PCB was an amazing experience and I have some amazing stories I can share with people if they're interested.
I had a real opportunity here to improve. I couldn't let my hard work from the earlier part of the semester go to waste. I also recognized that this could be my last month at Carthage, ever. I wanted to make the most of it and enjoy my time with my friends. I had a lot of fun in this last month, going to Cubs games, participating in Relay For Life, going to see my favorite band Switchfoot, meeting Jefferson Bethke, going bowling, making even more friends, and more. I had an absolute blast. What excited me most was when I was blessed with the opportunity to share my faith story at Intervarsity.
In my final weeks at Carthage, one by one, I started receiving decision letters from the schools I applied to. And one by one, I got rejected. I got rejected by all of them, except one. But I didn't let it phase me. I wanted to serve God in my schoolwork and give him the glory.
Back to the Beginning Again
When I received my grades this past weekend, I found out that my 1.6 GPA from the previous semester had leaped to a 2.8. I'm not where I want to be, and I can do better. But it's a step in the right direction and a sign of improvement. It's God getting me back on the right track.
My Carthage experience was unlike anything I ever have experienced. When it all started, I thought I was attempting something that I never could do. I never thought I could go to college. I never thought I could stick out what seemed to me at the time "a terrible situation." I never thought I would grow more mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I did that year. I never thought I would end up making lifelong friends and having a lot of fun. I could ramble on for hours about what God established my freshman year at Carthage. But the point is, he did a lot of big things. And God's not done doing big things. When it came to deciding whether or not I would transfer, I assessed the situation. I didn't get in to any of my top choices and the only school I got in to I didn't have any friends at to help me make the adjustment. So I thought, why not stay another year at Carthage, continue to boost my grades, and then try again at those schools? I can always transfer to the other school then, or I could just stay. It really wasn't a hard decision. And while it wasn't what I wanted (if it were up to me, I would transfer to one of the schools I didn't get in to), I knew it was best for me. God has led me back to another year at Carthage, and I am thrilled for what is to come.
Exclusion, Illness, and a Heavy Workload (February-Mid March)
The first couple weeks of the new semester were going well. I was having fun doing paint crew, making trips to McDonald's at midnight and one in the morning with my buddy Dustin, and working hard and doing well in my classes. I even was starting to write more on this blog. I wrote a blog taking a look back at the past year and at the end of it, I said something along the lines of, "I've had to overcome a lot of adversity in 2013, but it helped me grow immensely. I would love for 2014 to be the most fun year ever, but if it means having to go through new trials and let God help me grow in them, then I'm cool with that, because I know it will be worth it."
The next day after I wrote this, I got word that I did not get a bid in to the fraternity that all my best friends were in. I was crushed. The first semester, I felt really left out when my friends would go to mixers and formals. I just felt on the outs and I was bummed that I couldn't go with them. But I had a handful of friends who also were not in the fraternity. Well, all those friends received bids to join the frat in this semester, but I did not. This was the only frat I tried to join. It also felt worse this time because I was specifically left out. The frat didn't want me. Not long after getting denied, I looked to a verse:
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people?If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
-Galatians 1:10
This really comforted me. It helped me realize that my job isn't to impress people, and all that matters is what God thinks of me. But still, it hurt. And I started to hold a lot of anger towards the frat. Anger, that quite honestly, I still haven't fully gotten over.
This was something that started to take my focus off of school. What might have been even worse was the fact that I started to get sick a lot. I would get sick, and then two weeks later, I would get sick again. I missed way more class than I had intended to miss. But still, I knew that these weren't valid excuses. I couldn't retreat to my old ways of dealing with adversity. I needed to give it my dang all.
In this time, I also started applying to transfer to other schools. I did five applications to schools, and wrote several essays, in hopes of finding a school where I can study journalism. Looking back on it, it was a blessing that I wasn't pledging a frat this semester. Because I was so busy with college applications and school. If I was pledging, my grades would have probably suffered.
I also should add that I am glad that I didn't join the frat because over the course of the rest of the semester, I got to make friends with so many people that weren't in the frat. I built up better friendships with people I didn't know quite as well so that I wouldn't feel left out when there were mixers and formals that my friends were at. I made a ton of great friends and got to know a lot of people that I otherwise probably wouldn't have gotten to know
Welcome to the Jungle (Spring Break in Panama City Beach)
After completing the first half of my second semester, I embarked on a journey with two of my good friends from Intervarsity. For those that don't know, Intervarsity is an interdenominational Christian fellowship group that is found on many college campuses. On our missions trip, we drove 17 hours down in to the craziest spring break party location, Panama City Beach to do street evangelism on the beach. This was truly an amazing experience. While there were only three of us from Carthage on the trip, we worked with a group of about 40 University of Illinois students. Now what really touched while I was on this trip, was how loving and kind the U of I students I was with were. It was so cool how we became close to one another so fast on the trip and how some people became like family to me while I was down there. And what I learned was how strong the body of Christ is. It truly is a body; a family. The bonds I have with fellow believers are stronger than any kind of bonds of brotherhood that a fraternity could offer me. Around this time I realized that I was satisfied with not being in a frat, because I had so many other great things around me that I needed to just appreciate. PCB was an amazing experience and I have some amazing stories I can share with people if they're interested.
Finishing Strong (April-May)
Coming back from break, I was pretty exhausted, and I was ready for another break. But I knew that I needed to finish strong. Pastor Bryan Loritts said in a sermon, "Starting well is easy. Finishing well- that's the hard part." A verse that really encouraged me around this time was Hebrews 12:1. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
I had a real opportunity here to improve. I couldn't let my hard work from the earlier part of the semester go to waste. I also recognized that this could be my last month at Carthage, ever. I wanted to make the most of it and enjoy my time with my friends. I had a lot of fun in this last month, going to Cubs games, participating in Relay For Life, going to see my favorite band Switchfoot, meeting Jefferson Bethke, going bowling, making even more friends, and more. I had an absolute blast. What excited me most was when I was blessed with the opportunity to share my faith story at Intervarsity.
In my final weeks at Carthage, one by one, I started receiving decision letters from the schools I applied to. And one by one, I got rejected. I got rejected by all of them, except one. But I didn't let it phase me. I wanted to serve God in my schoolwork and give him the glory.
Back to the Beginning Again
When I received my grades this past weekend, I found out that my 1.6 GPA from the previous semester had leaped to a 2.8. I'm not where I want to be, and I can do better. But it's a step in the right direction and a sign of improvement. It's God getting me back on the right track.
My Carthage experience was unlike anything I ever have experienced. When it all started, I thought I was attempting something that I never could do. I never thought I could go to college. I never thought I could stick out what seemed to me at the time "a terrible situation." I never thought I would grow more mentally, emotionally and spiritually than I did that year. I never thought I would end up making lifelong friends and having a lot of fun. I could ramble on for hours about what God established my freshman year at Carthage. But the point is, he did a lot of big things. And God's not done doing big things. When it came to deciding whether or not I would transfer, I assessed the situation. I didn't get in to any of my top choices and the only school I got in to I didn't have any friends at to help me make the adjustment. So I thought, why not stay another year at Carthage, continue to boost my grades, and then try again at those schools? I can always transfer to the other school then, or I could just stay. It really wasn't a hard decision. And while it wasn't what I wanted (if it were up to me, I would transfer to one of the schools I didn't get in to), I knew it was best for me. God has led me back to another year at Carthage, and I am thrilled for what is to come.
