The Hurt and the Healer

Okay, it's 1 A.M. right now in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I've been at college for five days, and I've been exhausted. I thought I was going to bed, but I felt like God wanted me to write this blog before I did that.

A lot of people have been reaching out to me and asking, "How is college?" and depending on the time, I may give different answers. At some points I might say "It's great! I love it here!" and at other times I may not know what to say. Because it has been very, very, very tough.

I know a good amount of people reading this blog have left for college at some point, or are experiencing this same thing right now.

How can I describe my thoughts? Well, again, it's like a rollercoaster. At some points I'm loving this college thing. I have a nice suite, and it's a beautiful campus here. But the lows, oh the lows. They can hurt. I'm not sure what is tougher: leaving all my friends at home (or at their respective universities) or not having many friends here. I've met some neat people, but then I don't see them again. It's weird. I am blessed however to have two friends here, John and Lisa, that I knew prior to starting here that really have reached out to me and invited me to stuff and helped me transition in to this college life.

What are the other lows? I haven't been the biggest fan of the cafeteria food here. It's often left me feeling sick and I miss my mother's amazing cooking. The classes aren't too fun. There's a lot of stress that is thrown on you academically.

But the toughest thing has been the social aspect; starting over and making new friends. This has surprised me because I love meeting new people and I consider myself a pretty friendly and extroverted individual. But it isn't going exactly the way I expected. I've met some nice people, but can I consider them my friends, having only known them a few days, and only having sat with them at a meal once or twice? I don't know. There's a lot of patience that's involved here.

Anyway, the loneliness intensifies. It builds up and builds up. It's tough here.

Something that people keep telling me is, "Don't worry, it will all be better in a few weeks." And when I hear that, I am instantly reminded of something a good friend of mine told me my senior year of high school. At some point towards the end of the year, I was really struggling and I wasn't happy. I said to my friend, "It will all be good once school gets out." And that was when my friend told me something that still hits me hard to this day. My friend said something to me along the lines of, "Jack, when you get down, you just drown yourself and wallow in it and you need to stop doing that. There's no reason why you can't be all good now. God loves you and there is joy in his name. You shouldn't have to wait to be happy when you can have joy now."

These words are something I've been thinking about ever since, but particularly this week. When everything is feeling bad and it feels like the world is crashing down on me, I know where to go to. I crack open my Bible and read chapters out loud to myself. Then I spend time deeply in prayer. I've shed many tears this week. Tonight I was feeling pretty down. And then I decided I was going to have my quiet time. When I finished, I felt amazing and that is why I am writing this blog, my friends. I want to feel at peace and at rest. And Jesus is who offers that.

You see, while life is tough and it sucks some days, there is joy in Christ. This week has been a huge reminder to me that I can't do this stuff on my own. It's reminded me how weak I am. It's extremely humbling. It also shows how much of a sinner I have been. How could I be so arrogant and prideful? This week has started to wreck me. And while I have been by myself, I haven't totally felt lonely. That's because I know Jesus is right here with me, fighting this fight by my side. I can feel God's presence. I can feel him carrying me. I know that he loves me. I can feel that love. He's been giving me energy and perseverance and comfort. It hasn't been easy. But I've realized the more time I spend with Jesus, the better I feel. I am encountering indescribable joy. And it's the best feeling one could ever have.

And while it has been a very tough time, I am so grateful for this solitude. Because of this solitude, I have been able to feel that closeness with God. It's about dying to self, giving up selfish desires, and discovering that there is freedom in God's name. Letting God purify your thoughts, and having him hold on to you. I have been able to feel him carrying me, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

And so while people may say it gets better as it goes and I believe them, at least I can say I take comfort in knowing Jesus Christ right now, on this very day. And that is something that is greater and in my eyes, more important than any education or friendships I can have here. That's not to say that those things aren't important. They certainly are, and I am looking forward to having those things. But I'm here to honor my God and let him work in me and through me. As long as his will is being accomplished, I am at peace and happy.