When things go bad in my life, I always turn to my faith. This is because God has been there to pick me up every time I fall. But over this three month stretch, I kept calling, and it felt like God wasn't picking up. I would read my Bible and it wouldn't open up my soul the way it used to. I would spend time praying and it didn't feel like God was listening.
My faith didn't feel authentic. It felt fake, forced. The most common question I asked was "Why does God feel so far away?"
I stopped consistently reading my Bible and praying every night. I'd do it every now and then. I felt like I had an excuse not to. I felt like I could do whatever I wanted because everything was going wrong in my life.
The first half of my fall semester was complete and utter hell. There's just no other way to put it. Seldom was I able to get homework complete and turned in on time. I was able to get some accommodations to get some extra time on some assignments, but oftentimes that didn't make a different; I still did a lame job on some of my work.
In addition to suffering from these tragedies, I felt like I was struggling socially. Some of my closest friends that I had last year at school had transferred or were now living off-campus, and I just didn't see them anymore. I rushed a fraternity that a majority of my friends joined last year, and for the second time, I didn't get in. I felt like I wasn't good enough and I felt like I had lost those friendships because I was now on the outside looking in.
I had seriously considered going home, leaving, and taking courses at the community college near my house again. But I could hear a faint whisper telling me to stay and to trust Him. As bad as things were in those first seven weeks, I somehow survived. I was still standing. I was still alive.
The week after midterms, I was blessed with an amazing adventure to the Turks and Caicos Islands in the Caribbean for my cousin's wedding. This was a really great motivator for me to have. It gave me something to look forward to. And it was much needed.
The four days and nights I spent in Turks and Caicos were unlike anything I had previously experienced. Never before had I traveled out of the United States. Never before had I snorkeled, let alone in the Atlantic Ocean with some of the earth's most majestic-looking creatures. Never before had I been to such a beautiful place.
In those four days, God felt present in my life, something that I hadn't felt all semester. I was incredibly touched by God's beautiful creation.
As far as God felt from me in the times I questioned, "Is this for real?", his goodness was made evident to me in this beautiful canvas he had painted on this little island southeast of the Bahamas. Oftentimes when people think about the term "worship," they only think of singing songs. Worshiping God goes so much deeper than just singing. It is appreciating God for all the little or big things in our lives. So here I am, out of the country for the first time, experiencing these wonders, and just soaking it all in and thanking God for every breath of fresh air that I breathe in.
When I got to the trip's end, I was definitely bummed out that I had to leave this paradise and go back to cold Wisconsin. But on the flip side, I was beyond grateful for the experience that I had. In my first couple of weeks back at school, I can't say that I was thrilled to be back. I was still aching from a lot of the bad things that had happened. But the four days I had in paradise gave me hope. They reminded me to keep seeking and pursuing Jesus. It was like I was lost at sea, and it was storming. I could either just give up, or I could keep going and look for the lighthouse that would make things clear to me and guide me back to land. I chose the latter.
Like I said, it wasn't like God made everything better immediately. But the great thing about God is that he takes all these things that were wounds that we've had, and he fixes them up and turns them in to scars. Scars show the pain that we went through, and they leave stories of how God healed us.
Over time, things got infinitely better for me. I found a church in Kenosha that has been such a blessing to my life. I finished the semester strong academically. I have developed much closer and more intimate friendships and bonds with friends I had last year, and I have met a lot of awesome new people, and started making new friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. And really for the first time, I feel like I belong at Carthage. I actually find myself growing eager to return and see all of my friends and be back in a few weeks for J-term.
Through the church I have become a part of, I feel joy every Sunday. But I also feel joy every Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. And Friday. And Saturday. It has helped me get back on track spiritually, and see God in every day of my life. I have gotten back to the point of falling in love with Jesus every single day, and really growing in Him, and I am so amped up for what God has next for me.
This is a total 180 from where I was when the semester began, and where I was over the summer. The main thing I have learned is through all the thick and thin, keep pursuing Jesus. As far away as he seems, he hasn't left. He's still there. We will all go through dry seasons in our faith, but that is only a temporary place.
Deuteronomy 31:8 reads, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
So whatever place you are in in life right now, no matter how stormy it is, or how high the waves are, keep looking for that lighthouse.
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